Galactic Imperium News Service reports that earlier today, the powerful lobbyist group known as the Fidget Spinner Equality Association (or FSEA) descended upon Washington D.C. in order to demand government oversight and control of the Fidget Spinner industry. “We are concerned that the market has enabled the creation of dangerous Fidget Spinners that may not be safe for children or their parents,” said FSEA Chairman Frank Fannycraft. “Furthermore, we hope that our elected officials will do the right thing and enact legislation to regulate Fidget Spinners and prevent the formation of Fidget Spinner monopolies in the months and years to come. Because not only will our proposed legislation benefit our kids, but it will also create jobs, boost the economy and create more tax revenue for much needed government projects.”
However, some detractors claim that the fidget spinner legislation is simply borrowing a page from the net neutrality playbook, and using government “newspeak” to influence people into believing that harmful policies are in fact a positive thing. “The FSEA claims that unless the industry is regulated, a fidget spinner monopoly could occur where dangerous fidget spinners are released at outrageous prices – and that consumers will have no choice but to buy them,” said opponent Billy McBlastikins.
Fannycraft called the accusations from McBlastikins as “absurd”, and “a fine example of yet another libertarian crackpot shouting about Statism all while advocating for some kind of Mad Max apocalyptic wasteland.”
“We’re confident that we can speak to the many concerned individuals out there who, like us, believe that the only way that positive change can happen is through State control,” Fannycraft stated. “This is quite simply a matter of either agreeing with us, or supporting the end of the world. There is no third, fourth, or fifth option here.”
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Note: This post is a work of parody or satire. Any relation to actual incidents or real people is an unusual coincidence.